Today is Thursday.

Warning, sad ahead!

There are times like today, where I just can't take anymore and the frustration and heartache are overwhelming.

Work: The stress is a little crushing and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. The unique and sad situation of each kid can be heartbreaking, and I'm wondering when it will become too much and I'll become another statistically burned out social worker. A lot of people don't even think I'm cut out for it anyway. Those comments are always hurtful.

God: Fighting for my daily time with the Lord is hard, and there are days where it seems easier to put it aside until there is time. I'm also so tired of crying and questioning why all of this is happening the way it has, and I feel annoying. 

Friends: My friends are amazing..but I feel annoying because I keep crying and complaining over the same things. I'm sorry, friends. Please be patient with me. 


Independence: Moving out has fallen through for the time being, and I am getting so frustrated with things not going as planned. The continual disappointment of my circumstances is so old and I'm just becoming jaded. 

The break-up situation: Anger. Everything is unfair. How can one person be so damaging?

 Handling this with dignity gets harder every day, and there have been an infinity number of times where I just want to drive my car into his house. Which is wrong, I know! I should be the bigger person, I should heap hot coals on his head by being kind. I shouldn't be angry because I can't do things like go to prayer night. 
I shouldn't be angry because he's over it all. 
I need to guard my heart and my mind from everything that is untrue, and just continue to pray through this. My vulnerability is the enemy's playground right now, and I don't want to be played with any more.

I'm just going to take this bad day, and hope that tomorrow is better.

"winning" the break up.

I'm going to be honest and admit that this has been a really hard week. Work has been crazy and completely draining. Apart from that, roadblocks keep popping up every where I go, for everything I want to do. It's frustrating, and trusting God has been difficult this week.

Part of my "self-care," for this week has been watching ridiculous amounts of tv, including one of my all-time favs, How I Met Your Mother (or HIMYM, for my nerdling friends). I'm relating to Ted a little in this season of my life, as like Ted,  every relationship I've had seems to be a dead end. Except that he meets The Mother in Farhampton, but whatever (can we just say that 'farhampton' is a word I love to hate? Yes? Thank you. Moving on).

One of the episodes that was on recently was the episode right after Ted and Robin break up the first time (You know, the one after Marshal and Lily's Wedding and Ted and Robin have to return the blue french horn?) Robin goes off to Brazil and meets this studly stud named Gael, and Ted is all bummed because Robin is "winning" the break-up. Robin is flaunting this piece of Brazilian Wonder right before his eyes, and being the good man he is, Ted has to pretend everything is all good. Robin appears to be oblivious that Ted is dying, but that's probably just because she's heartless and Canadian (JK. Love Robin, and all my Canadian friends). Anyway, Ted's biggest complaint to Lily and Marshal is that Robin in "winning" the break-up, so he goes out and ends up sucking face with Kelly Clarkson. Problem solved, the end.


I have been so tempted this week, to "win" my break up. So tempted to pop on some online dating site, Walter Mitty my profile, find some great guy, and pretend that I believe in rebound relationships. Everyone says I shouldn't do this, because I "need time to heal," and I need to focus on "dating myself." I'm sorry, but that's crap. I honestly think for a split second, I'd feel great. I'd feel a little better, a little less like I belonged to the old guy, and see, you didn't really hurt me that bad. Save face, dust off my pride. 

But then I'd be playing with someone else's feelings, some innocent guy who didn't ask to be played or used just so some selfish girl can make herself feel better. I know how it feels to be played, and it's not pleasant. It's the reason I'm writing this blog. 

I think the most important reason that "winning" is toxic, is because it shows a lack of trust in God, and a lack of faith. It shows that I'm too afraid to wait on Him for someone amazing, and someone who will love me for my past, my flaws, my everything. Taking matters into my own hands is not what God has asked me to do at this point. 
I'm not saying I'll never try the online dating scene. I know it can be a cool thing. I think at this point though, I need to be less focused on winning, and more focused on how can I do this break up with godly dignity and humility. All of us going through something like this should ask ourselves the following questions: How can we honor God through this? How can we love those that hurt us? How does God want us to pray for the people that hurt us? How does God want us to be servants? What does daily forgiveness towards others look like?

Yikes. Talk about convicting. I'm praying for all my sweet friends out there tonight and for anyone hurting, even in the smallest ways. Jesus is the rock. He won't let you fall! xoxo.