It's been awhile. I've been avoiding writing for some reason. I don't know why.

It might have something to do with just feeling numb overall. Not happy, not sad, just existing.

People will occasionally ask how things are, and I say every time "surviving," because that's what I'm doing.
I wake up, drag myself to work and work until I need to. Then I either do some other activity, or isolate in my room until I fall asleep. It's a great arrangement, really. 

It's the same every day, for the most part. I exist with the other people around me, but I feel an absence of engagement. I don't mean to be sad, or be dramatic. This my time to be honest and yet I don't even feel like I have anything really to say here.  Sometimes I do better with lists, so I'll try that:

Things that are going well:
1. Disney world in two days.
2. Spring is coming
3. The two month mark passed and I didn't even realize it.
4. Two out of the three holidays are right at our doorstep (St. Patrick's day and Easter. Duh!)
5. By this time next year, I won't be sad about stupid stuff anymore.
6. God has decided every day for the last 24 years that I'm worth it to wake up each morning. I'm grateful for that.
7. "Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off.   And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!"  (Romans 11:22-25)

Things that are not going well:
1. I have no excitement or trust in people, and I'm afraid it's always going to be like this. 
 
I'm sorry that this post isn't a spectacular literary work. 

Today is Thursday.

Warning, sad ahead!

There are times like today, where I just can't take anymore and the frustration and heartache are overwhelming.

Work: The stress is a little crushing and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. The unique and sad situation of each kid can be heartbreaking, and I'm wondering when it will become too much and I'll become another statistically burned out social worker. A lot of people don't even think I'm cut out for it anyway. Those comments are always hurtful.

God: Fighting for my daily time with the Lord is hard, and there are days where it seems easier to put it aside until there is time. I'm also so tired of crying and questioning why all of this is happening the way it has, and I feel annoying. 

Friends: My friends are amazing..but I feel annoying because I keep crying and complaining over the same things. I'm sorry, friends. Please be patient with me. 


Independence: Moving out has fallen through for the time being, and I am getting so frustrated with things not going as planned. The continual disappointment of my circumstances is so old and I'm just becoming jaded. 

The break-up situation: Anger. Everything is unfair. How can one person be so damaging?

 Handling this with dignity gets harder every day, and there have been an infinity number of times where I just want to drive my car into his house. Which is wrong, I know! I should be the bigger person, I should heap hot coals on his head by being kind. I shouldn't be angry because I can't do things like go to prayer night. 
I shouldn't be angry because he's over it all. 
I need to guard my heart and my mind from everything that is untrue, and just continue to pray through this. My vulnerability is the enemy's playground right now, and I don't want to be played with any more.

I'm just going to take this bad day, and hope that tomorrow is better.