Thank you!

It's been awhile! There has been little to say, and then so much at the same time.  How to say it all, without being a snark (Admittedly, one of the things I do best), or without sounding like a crazed, ex-girlfriend?

Now, for some great news: a crazed ex-girlfriend am I no longer! Not that I think I ever was.. I mean, did I ever break the windows out your car, or take a Louisville slugger to both headlights? Slash all four tires, or carve my name into those leather seats? ( btw, Carrie Underwood still knows how to keep it country, unlike T-Swift who has officially sold out. But I'm not bitter). I know there were moments where I felt crazy, and felt like I must be the only person in the world feeling this way, and going through the patterns of being okay, then not, then being great, and then wanting to check in at the heartbreak hotel. Truthfully, the amount of times I went through that this last year are too many to count. I remember having a moment at Disney World (of all places, but still the happiest place on earth) just crying at Epcot and wondering about the why of it all.

Newsflash: The "why of it all" is not for me to know at this point. I think that's what killed me the most, was that maybe if I could see the future, I wouldn't be so pissed off about the present and how much my heart hurt right then. I thought I was owed an explanation, as if God owed me anything.

I know He loves me desperately, but there are just some things I don't get to know. As John Piper says "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life and you may be aware of three of them." Only three! The rest is not for me to know, and to be happy and content, there needs to be trust that He knows what He's doing with the "why."  That has been my struggle, even today, with knowing that God  is indeed the man with the plan, and not Amanda who although she is a daughter of the king is flawed, biased, and admittedly wants what she wants. How glad am I though, that I don't always get what I want? Which leads me to my thank you note, a' la Jimmy Fallon style (I swear it's not a satirical thank you note. I just like the music they play while he writes them).

Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For allowing me the opportunity to run to Jesus and have Him be my everything.
Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For a clean break, which gave me the chance to be Amanda by herself (which isn't so bad after all).
Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For showing me a little bit of how to date and how not to. I grew from our relationship, and that's cool.
Finally, Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For cutting the cord on our relationship when I was unable to. I wouldn't be where I am now if not for that.
 
The Lord gives and He takes away, and I am grateful that He still considers me "worth it" to refine and put me through different seasons of life. My prayer is that this will be a testimony to others, and that whatever words are spit out from my trusty Dell Inspiron keyboard, are words that I will live, daily. Jesus' words.

I don't really know how this blog will look in the future, but I'm thinking the dramatic sufferings of my breakup have come to an end and it will focus on other things. I'd like to believe I'm over him and ready to move on to the next challenge :) God bless you all who have read this and prayed for my heart to heal. xoxo!

Redemption

As far as weeks go, this one has been hard.  Seeing the old object of your affection for the first time, sans relationship, sucks.

Making bad choices to cope with your break up, sucks.

But we're not talking about that.
Too often in my life, I've focused on my past. Past mistakes and past hurts that I let rule my emotions and my relationships. I let them define my worth, but no more!

 I mean, people. How does that make any sense? I claim to be this follower of Christ, this NCG (that's nice christian girl, fyi), but I can't even find my value in the only One who matters. Instead I place my value in relationships. Boys. 

Let me tell you, friends. Boys are not worth it. They are not worth feeling like crap over, and they are certainly not worth compromising how you view yourself as a child of God. 
I repeat: Not worth it!

This may come across as harsh, but I think that's necessary, because as much as I'm putting this out there for everyone to read, I'm really trying to hammer it home for myself. 

When I was in The Pit this weekend, I spent some much needed time in Isaiah 43 and the book of Hosea. Isaiah 43 and Hosea are so heavy in redemption. So long had the nation of Israel really stuck it to God, and decided they would pacify themselves with a million other things. 
Then, Hosea. I wrote in my journal that I was Gomer* the prostitute that the prophet Hosea was commanded to marry. Gomer ran away from Hosea, and slept with other men, while they were married. She filled her heart with other things. 
I'm not saying I'm Gomer in the literal sense, but figuratively I'm all over that. My heart's devotion isn't to Jesus, it's to a guy, and those warm fuzzy feelings that come with it all. 
But despite all that, God saved me (us!) just like he did with Israel and with Gomer. 

Redemption is so real, friends. God is honestly just waiting for us to get it, and sometimes he uses things like a break-up from some guy you thought you might marry to grab a hold of your heart and remind you He's still here. He might save you from what could have been a disaster.

 I'm getting the feeling He did that for me.


*if you're looking to read an amazing book based off the story of Gomer and Hosea, I HIGHLY recommend Redeeming Love, by my girl Francine Rivers*