Do you gotta mask? Or nahh?

After realizing I haven't blogged in all of April, and kind of feeling like I've been going a little crazy I decided it's time to become a little less crazy (Also, for those of you who hate the title of this post because it's so obnoxious, I'm sorry but I've been on Vine all day, and that whole thing has been stuck in my head. Apologies. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, just don't hate me when you Google it and become instantly annoyed).

I would be lying if I said that April has not been challenging. Cutting to the chase, I've been challenged with the charming realization that I spend a lot of my time wearing masks. So that's super fun. I don't know about the rest of you, but mask-wearing takes up a lot of energy. Like, I really don't understand how batman, spiderman, superman (did he actually wear a mask? or was it just glasses as Clark Kent?) do this all day, everyday. Exhausting. And I'm not even saving Gotham and New York City on a frequent basis. 

I don't want to be vulnerable around anyone, so the mask of  "I'm fine," is perpetually on. It might come off a little with my friends. Definitely off with my family when I can't take it anymore. I feel bad for them. But this is part of getting your heart broken, or being scarred from crap. 

The worst part of it all is that it is so automatic and I don't even know it's happening most of the time. I think we're all like that, but that doesn't make it okay.

One of the best things about it however, is that I have some great, godly friends who are so encouraging and don't let me settle for being second-best Mandy. Masks are not acceptable. I love them for that. I don't think I say it enough, but I can't even express in words how grateful I am to my friends who don't put up with fakeness, and really, truly want God's best for me.

I pray with a group of friends on Tuesday night, but I have been on hiatus lately. For those who don't know, praying, especially with others can tend to be a more intimate experience. I struggle with forming my thoughts out loud, and praying with others can be stressful at times. It's stupid I know, but whatever. Praying in a group that happens to include an ex-boyfriend can compound that stress one hundred times over. It's so weird because when you used to be so close with someone, and then suddenly you're not, it's not like they forgot about who you are, or the things that you struggle with. But you have to pretend you don't know them anymore, and pretend to be strangers. It's bizarre, really. Hence the stress. You don't want to appear weak and vulnerable, especially to someone who knew too much about you. You want to appear like everything is together, and nothing is the matter. As if they never mattered at all. Right.

Therein lies the problem. How can we be involved in corporate prayer, or any meaningful relationship when there are masks? We all have them. Don't tell me you don't, because that's probably not true. No offense. ha. Seriously though, how do followers of Christ combat mask-syndrome when they enter into prayer with other believers? Is it simply putting aside the mask as an act of will by realizing we're all cut from the same sinful cloth? Praying the masks away? Is it a "name it and claim it" situation?  

The cynical part of us (who is all up on my grill right now, thank you very much) is very inclined to forget prayer night, and forget everyone who hurt her. Become a woman of all steel, and no feels (ha!).

Wants-to-do-better, living with the Holy Spirit part of us says to pray about this and work on giving up those masks to Jesus. By doing this, I mean in a healthy way, and not to anyone we used to be romantically involved with. If that door is shut my friends, leave it shut until God opens it, and don't expect it to be with the same person (more on that another time). 

If someone is really asking how we're doing, be honest. If we need prayer because we just aren't feeling this heartbreak situation anymore, then ask for it. As fun as it is to be everyone's favorite neighborhood spider man (or woman!), who saves us all from crazy pants Willem Dafoe, remember that even Peter Parker got exhausted by it all. We don't have to be superheros! Jesus died on the cross for us because we, in all our human lameness, could not be anything close to super. Radioactive spiders do not exist. We all suck and are nothing without Jesus' infinite love and sacrifice. He loves us with or without our masks, but He is so ready for us to take them all off. <3

alone...

... yet not alone. If you have no idea what those words mean, then I encourage you to stop reading this right now, and go to the youtube and listen to the song "Alone Yet Not Alone," as sung by Joni Eareckson Tada.

This song.. it made me cry the first time I heard it.. and the second (but let's be honest. I cry over everything, so big surprise). It's like it is written for every sad person who has been hurt, and who has ever felt alone.

Then I started just thinking about amazing it is that I'm never alone, not really. I can be alone in my room watching He's just not that into you,  and writing this post, but I'm so not alone.

I can be crying in my car after a day that was just too much, but I am so not alone.

I can be driving to Port Huron on a home visit (which fun fact, is like 5 miles from Canada) and feel isolated.. but I am so not alone.

I can be single, but I am not alone.

My (and our!) not alone-ness is only because of Jesus and how he has promised to never abandon us in all our crap. He cares about all our pain, our feelings of abandonment- and is patient with us while we muddle through all of this.
Psalm 46:1 says " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." He's not going anywhere, friends. We are alone, yet not (really) alone.

It's not easy to "muddle through," and it's certainly not easy to recover from trauma or heartbreak in any form. God never guaranteed it would be easy though, and in fact we are promised that it won't be easy at all! Especially being a follower of Christ, I know that my road will be gloriously difficult.

The question is, do I praise Him just as excitedly in the shadow, as I do the sunshine? Or do I give up because it's too hard? Get discouraged and bitter?
I don't think today is that day.

Lies.

In the book Captivating, by the Stasi and John Eldridge (question. Is Stasi even a real name? I was always confused by that) there is a part of the book that exposes the two greatest fears of the female mind. Lies we believe, if you will. There are: I am not enough, and I am too much.

I have read this book a couple of times. Once I even read through the "couples question guide," which was supposed to strengthen my relationship with God and my significant other, I guess? (spoiler alert: didn't quite work). Anyway, each time I've read this book, I've always lumped myself in with the "I am too much" camp because I have a lot going on with a lot of baggage and a scary past with emotional scarring. This is a lie I don't want to believe, but it's one that I am. Maybe if I had toned it down a little bit, been a little less crazy, a little less pressuring, things would be different, perhaps. 

The other side of the coin is the "not enough." Maybe I wasn't enough, despite all the virtues that everyone close to me says I possess. 

It's hard to know which lie to believe; which one to settle on. I feel frantic, like I should be able to just pick one, and once I can do that, the answer of why this whole relationship exploded will be crystal clear. 

I know this is crazy, that we don't just get gifted answers of why things work out or why they don't. It's not maybe in God's plan to have me figure this all out? Maybe if I did, the journey of faith and trusting wouldn't be so sweet and real.  I know that God wants my heart and my everything, but I want answers! I want to know the future, and have the delusional thought that if I know things won't hurt so much, or maybe I'll heal faster.

Waiting and trusting is so hard. I wasn't good at being patient while in a relationship and I'm no better at it now that I'm single.

We can't even be certain of tomorrow, so one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Get out of bed, and trust God to take care of everything. It hurts, but that's okay. We are not too much or too little, despite believing it when people throw us away.

Redemption

As far as weeks go, this one has been hard.  Seeing the old object of your affection for the first time, sans relationship, sucks.

Making bad choices to cope with your break up, sucks.

But we're not talking about that.
Too often in my life, I've focused on my past. Past mistakes and past hurts that I let rule my emotions and my relationships. I let them define my worth, but no more!

 I mean, people. How does that make any sense? I claim to be this follower of Christ, this NCG (that's nice christian girl, fyi), but I can't even find my value in the only One who matters. Instead I place my value in relationships. Boys. 

Let me tell you, friends. Boys are not worth it. They are not worth feeling like crap over, and they are certainly not worth compromising how you view yourself as a child of God. 
I repeat: Not worth it!

This may come across as harsh, but I think that's necessary, because as much as I'm putting this out there for everyone to read, I'm really trying to hammer it home for myself. 

When I was in The Pit this weekend, I spent some much needed time in Isaiah 43 and the book of Hosea. Isaiah 43 and Hosea are so heavy in redemption. So long had the nation of Israel really stuck it to God, and decided they would pacify themselves with a million other things. 
Then, Hosea. I wrote in my journal that I was Gomer* the prostitute that the prophet Hosea was commanded to marry. Gomer ran away from Hosea, and slept with other men, while they were married. She filled her heart with other things. 
I'm not saying I'm Gomer in the literal sense, but figuratively I'm all over that. My heart's devotion isn't to Jesus, it's to a guy, and those warm fuzzy feelings that come with it all. 
But despite all that, God saved me (us!) just like he did with Israel and with Gomer. 

Redemption is so real, friends. God is honestly just waiting for us to get it, and sometimes he uses things like a break-up from some guy you thought you might marry to grab a hold of your heart and remind you He's still here. He might save you from what could have been a disaster.

 I'm getting the feeling He did that for me.


*if you're looking to read an amazing book based off the story of Gomer and Hosea, I HIGHLY recommend Redeeming Love, by my girl Francine Rivers*

This is my first post.

Once upon a time, there was a girl (me!) who loved to write, and used to "make" blogs: Xanga, Livejournal, wordpress, tumblr, etc. Kind of blog hussy, if you will. Then she realized blogging just wasn't her thing, and that no one really cared about one more angst-ridden blog gracing the internet. 

Sometimes though, things change?

Sometimes there are problems that are just too big for us to handle on our own, and the only thing we can do is rely on Jesus. 

Sometimes it is really helpful to write these things down publicly, in the hopes that others will be encouraged by them. Maybe my pain can help someone else through theirs? Lofty dreams!

So here I am: I'm Amanda,  I'm 24 and have been single for exactly 4 days, and 15 hours. I try to love Jesus with everything I have, and up until recently have never been comfortable displaying my faith and trials in such a public place. I've had blogs before, but I think they require you to be honest- not sure if my previous attempts fell into the honest abe category.

Why am I writing this? 

Because:
1. I got my heart broken this week in what was thought to be a long-term, serious relationship I was sure was "destined" to last no matter what. 
2. I want to encourage others through trials, even though I know that broken hearts definitely don't have the corner on the market of personal pain and problems.
3. I'm at a unique crossroads in my life and I want to document how God is going to fix my broken self and turn this crap load of crappity-crap into something beautiful. 
4. Sometimes a girl just needs to write. 


For the skeptics and the naysayers:
1. No personal information of other parties will be shared in a way that will be compromising. I respect confidentiality.
2. That's all I have to say about that. 


Here we go.