Roots.

Sometimes there just isn't that much to say, but then sometimes you feel like you can barely hold back the words because you might explode if you don't write them down. That's tonight, I think. 

I have been single for.....awhile now. I decided that keeping track of that is stupid and not important. What is important is that a part of me feels better. Changed, in a good way. I feel somewhat confident in my role as a single woman who only needs to concern herself with what God wants, instead of pliable to the constant demands of others. There is a part of me that feels confident with my relationship with Christ, because I'm not doing it to make someone love me. Which is horrible, really. Terrible on both ends. If we can all take one thing away from tonight, please don't do Christiany things to make someone love you more. It speaks poorly of both parties. 

Ironically though, I have become so bitter and angry despite that being the one thing I promised I wouldn't do. I have become cynical and jaded with anger. I can hide it pretty well, and act happy and unconcerned. What I really want is for the horrible dreams to stop and for it all to have never happened. Is it bad to wish you had never met someone? That they were just erased from your life and all the problems and pain associated with them just disappeared too? I crave that. 

Look, I know that this is all wrong, that I should "smile because it happened," blah blah blah. I'm denying God the chance to work in my life through this bitterness, and I'm poisoning myself. Do we girls really think our ex-boyfriends care if we hate them? My guess is no. When we break up and move on, where does the move on part happen, if we are swamped in bitterness? It doesn't. 

I can't pretend like this bitterness thing has completely disappeared, now that I've come to face it. A character flaw that was so detrimental to my relationship that will serve me now though, is my stubbornness. I don't want to be bitter and angry for the rest of my life, because I want more moments of praying with strangers in gas stations after buying them chicken, and I want more moments of knowing that what came out of your mouth wasn't you but the Holy Spirit. I want more moments of being content as a sheep (which is a whole different post for another day).

I'm praying for all of the girls out there who have been hurt deeply by someone they loved. I'm praying that God equips us all with the strength to just let go when it is so easy to hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. He desires the best for us, and even though life can really suck, His plan is perfect. Pain can lead to restoration and beauty, if we let it. 

My conviction moment really came through this verse, which might be familiar: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Jesus has surely not liked all the bad things I have done in my life, but he forgave them and has moved on. They are white as snow, not even a thought in His mind. I can't withhold forgiveness from anyone, even if they broke my heart.  There is no "broken heart" clause in the Bible that exempts us from forgiveness. Rather, it seems as if "love" is the best remedy for a broken heart. Crazy? We'll see :)

This is not a valentine's day post

It's really not, because technically it's February 15th now, and v-day is over with. I can't say I'm sad to see it go, although there were some lovely unexpected surprises. My darling best friend sent me flowers and a card with this text: "You don't need a man today, because you have many other people that love you."
And she's right.

I also received a "not-a-valentines-day card" from my dad. My parents usually get us all cards each year, and I told my parents that I wanted nothing to do with any of it this year. But because my dad is cute and stubborn, he wrote me the best note, ending with this:  "God loves you more than any one else ever will. Put all your energy into discovering the breadth, length, and height of Christ's love for you. A love that surpasses all knowledge and understanding." And he's right.


I woke up this morning planning on avoiding this day at all costs. Throw myself into work and just forget that I used to have a reason to get excited for this stupid holiday, and that I was someone's girl. 
I guess I forgot for a minute that I have always been God's girl, and one person's failure to love me doesn't change that at all.
This whole day makes it all the more real to me now, as I sit and ruminate over what true love really is, while eating my cheesecake and watching trashy television. What it means to sacrificially love others, and what does selflessness really look like. 
The most important thing I can do right now is share what that looks like with others. That real love isn't selfish or indecisive or dishonest. There shouldn't be fear in love, but trust. 
Real, true, 100% perfect love will never be found in a person. I have to stop looking for that with others and place unrealistic expectations on them. People aren't gods that have all these amazingly perfect qualities suddenly, just because they're into you. People have no idea what love even means, until they've been touched by real love and grace through Christ. Even then, some still don't get it right. Followers of Christ are just as flawed as everyone else. I know I am. 

Friends, this is maybe is a more blunt post. I'm not sorry, though. This whole post is the reason why I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, and why I can even stand to be around my ex, because there is no point in being bitter. The point now, is to move on and focus all my energy on Christ, and sharing that with others.

Be blessed tonight, friends. My opinion is a famously unpopular one, but that's okay! God's love surpasses all, and I hope and pray that each of us hold on to that tightly during every season of our lives.