Roots.

Sometimes there just isn't that much to say, but then sometimes you feel like you can barely hold back the words because you might explode if you don't write them down. That's tonight, I think. 

I have been single for.....awhile now. I decided that keeping track of that is stupid and not important. What is important is that a part of me feels better. Changed, in a good way. I feel somewhat confident in my role as a single woman who only needs to concern herself with what God wants, instead of pliable to the constant demands of others. There is a part of me that feels confident with my relationship with Christ, because I'm not doing it to make someone love me. Which is horrible, really. Terrible on both ends. If we can all take one thing away from tonight, please don't do Christiany things to make someone love you more. It speaks poorly of both parties. 

Ironically though, I have become so bitter and angry despite that being the one thing I promised I wouldn't do. I have become cynical and jaded with anger. I can hide it pretty well, and act happy and unconcerned. What I really want is for the horrible dreams to stop and for it all to have never happened. Is it bad to wish you had never met someone? That they were just erased from your life and all the problems and pain associated with them just disappeared too? I crave that. 

Look, I know that this is all wrong, that I should "smile because it happened," blah blah blah. I'm denying God the chance to work in my life through this bitterness, and I'm poisoning myself. Do we girls really think our ex-boyfriends care if we hate them? My guess is no. When we break up and move on, where does the move on part happen, if we are swamped in bitterness? It doesn't. 

I can't pretend like this bitterness thing has completely disappeared, now that I've come to face it. A character flaw that was so detrimental to my relationship that will serve me now though, is my stubbornness. I don't want to be bitter and angry for the rest of my life, because I want more moments of praying with strangers in gas stations after buying them chicken, and I want more moments of knowing that what came out of your mouth wasn't you but the Holy Spirit. I want more moments of being content as a sheep (which is a whole different post for another day).

I'm praying for all of the girls out there who have been hurt deeply by someone they loved. I'm praying that God equips us all with the strength to just let go when it is so easy to hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. He desires the best for us, and even though life can really suck, His plan is perfect. Pain can lead to restoration and beauty, if we let it. 

My conviction moment really came through this verse, which might be familiar: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Jesus has surely not liked all the bad things I have done in my life, but he forgave them and has moved on. They are white as snow, not even a thought in His mind. I can't withhold forgiveness from anyone, even if they broke my heart.  There is no "broken heart" clause in the Bible that exempts us from forgiveness. Rather, it seems as if "love" is the best remedy for a broken heart. Crazy? We'll see :)

It's been awhile. I've been avoiding writing for some reason. I don't know why.

It might have something to do with just feeling numb overall. Not happy, not sad, just existing.

People will occasionally ask how things are, and I say every time "surviving," because that's what I'm doing.
I wake up, drag myself to work and work until I need to. Then I either do some other activity, or isolate in my room until I fall asleep. It's a great arrangement, really. 

It's the same every day, for the most part. I exist with the other people around me, but I feel an absence of engagement. I don't mean to be sad, or be dramatic. This my time to be honest and yet I don't even feel like I have anything really to say here.  Sometimes I do better with lists, so I'll try that:

Things that are going well:
1. Disney world in two days.
2. Spring is coming
3. The two month mark passed and I didn't even realize it.
4. Two out of the three holidays are right at our doorstep (St. Patrick's day and Easter. Duh!)
5. By this time next year, I won't be sad about stupid stuff anymore.
6. God has decided every day for the last 24 years that I'm worth it to wake up each morning. I'm grateful for that.
7. "Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off.   And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!"  (Romans 11:22-25)

Things that are not going well:
1. I have no excitement or trust in people, and I'm afraid it's always going to be like this. 
 
I'm sorry that this post isn't a spectacular literary work. 

alone...

... yet not alone. If you have no idea what those words mean, then I encourage you to stop reading this right now, and go to the youtube and listen to the song "Alone Yet Not Alone," as sung by Joni Eareckson Tada.

This song.. it made me cry the first time I heard it.. and the second (but let's be honest. I cry over everything, so big surprise). It's like it is written for every sad person who has been hurt, and who has ever felt alone.

Then I started just thinking about amazing it is that I'm never alone, not really. I can be alone in my room watching He's just not that into you,  and writing this post, but I'm so not alone.

I can be crying in my car after a day that was just too much, but I am so not alone.

I can be driving to Port Huron on a home visit (which fun fact, is like 5 miles from Canada) and feel isolated.. but I am so not alone.

I can be single, but I am not alone.

My (and our!) not alone-ness is only because of Jesus and how he has promised to never abandon us in all our crap. He cares about all our pain, our feelings of abandonment- and is patient with us while we muddle through all of this.
Psalm 46:1 says " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." He's not going anywhere, friends. We are alone, yet not (really) alone.

It's not easy to "muddle through," and it's certainly not easy to recover from trauma or heartbreak in any form. God never guaranteed it would be easy though, and in fact we are promised that it won't be easy at all! Especially being a follower of Christ, I know that my road will be gloriously difficult.

The question is, do I praise Him just as excitedly in the shadow, as I do the sunshine? Or do I give up because it's too hard? Get discouraged and bitter?
I don't think today is that day.