Lies.

In the book Captivating, by the Stasi and John Eldridge (question. Is Stasi even a real name? I was always confused by that) there is a part of the book that exposes the two greatest fears of the female mind. Lies we believe, if you will. There are: I am not enough, and I am too much.

I have read this book a couple of times. Once I even read through the "couples question guide," which was supposed to strengthen my relationship with God and my significant other, I guess? (spoiler alert: didn't quite work). Anyway, each time I've read this book, I've always lumped myself in with the "I am too much" camp because I have a lot going on with a lot of baggage and a scary past with emotional scarring. This is a lie I don't want to believe, but it's one that I am. Maybe if I had toned it down a little bit, been a little less crazy, a little less pressuring, things would be different, perhaps. 

The other side of the coin is the "not enough." Maybe I wasn't enough, despite all the virtues that everyone close to me says I possess. 

It's hard to know which lie to believe; which one to settle on. I feel frantic, like I should be able to just pick one, and once I can do that, the answer of why this whole relationship exploded will be crystal clear. 

I know this is crazy, that we don't just get gifted answers of why things work out or why they don't. It's not maybe in God's plan to have me figure this all out? Maybe if I did, the journey of faith and trusting wouldn't be so sweet and real.  I know that God wants my heart and my everything, but I want answers! I want to know the future, and have the delusional thought that if I know things won't hurt so much, or maybe I'll heal faster.

Waiting and trusting is so hard. I wasn't good at being patient while in a relationship and I'm no better at it now that I'm single.

We can't even be certain of tomorrow, so one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Get out of bed, and trust God to take care of everything. It hurts, but that's okay. We are not too much or too little, despite believing it when people throw us away.