Today is Thursday.

Warning, sad ahead!

There are times like today, where I just can't take anymore and the frustration and heartache are overwhelming.

Work: The stress is a little crushing and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. The unique and sad situation of each kid can be heartbreaking, and I'm wondering when it will become too much and I'll become another statistically burned out social worker. A lot of people don't even think I'm cut out for it anyway. Those comments are always hurtful.

God: Fighting for my daily time with the Lord is hard, and there are days where it seems easier to put it aside until there is time. I'm also so tired of crying and questioning why all of this is happening the way it has, and I feel annoying. 

Friends: My friends are amazing..but I feel annoying because I keep crying and complaining over the same things. I'm sorry, friends. Please be patient with me. 


Independence: Moving out has fallen through for the time being, and I am getting so frustrated with things not going as planned. The continual disappointment of my circumstances is so old and I'm just becoming jaded. 

The break-up situation: Anger. Everything is unfair. How can one person be so damaging?

 Handling this with dignity gets harder every day, and there have been an infinity number of times where I just want to drive my car into his house. Which is wrong, I know! I should be the bigger person, I should heap hot coals on his head by being kind. I shouldn't be angry because I can't do things like go to prayer night. 
I shouldn't be angry because he's over it all. 
I need to guard my heart and my mind from everything that is untrue, and just continue to pray through this. My vulnerability is the enemy's playground right now, and I don't want to be played with any more.

I'm just going to take this bad day, and hope that tomorrow is better.

Annotated?

Usually, I like to post just once a week.

But I have some time, and lots of thoughts swirling in my brain, so here's two!

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to write about all the amazing positive things going on in my life. I know that I "need to allow myself to grieve," as everyone around me has been saying, but I need to combat the anger and bitterness somehow.
I know it won't all be positive, and I apologize for when it does get negative, and by apologize I mean, not really apologize. ha.

The top ten things I have going for me right now, *annotated:

1. I'm about to save over $100 a month by getting a new cell phone plan.
I'm buying my sister's friend's old phone and will be switching to straight talk. Thanks, April!
Also, here is just my little plug for straight talk... you all should check this out.

2. The most darling little nugget I babysat for tonight said to me: "These fruit snacks are so cute. But you're cuter, miss Amanda!" He's three, and completely a little ham.

3. The only thing that got me out of bed this morning was the most amazing donut from Dunkin' Donuts, proving that once again, America does run on Dunkin'.


4. My dad sat and watched the movie, The Ringer with me today, for a little bit. For those of you that know my dad, and have seen the Ringer.. this is a big deal. But I was crying and sad, and he always makes me feel better.

5. Tomorrow is Sunday, which means I get to see my darling Cubbies. They always make me laugh.

6. Tomorrow is still Sunday, which means I'm singing in the choir for the first time ever. Excited and nervous, but totes thankful for it. I don't even know why really, but I am.

7. My brother let me use his chrome book tonight. That was so nice of you, brother! I'm sorry I'm mad at you all the time for not picking up your clothes in the bathroom.

8. I have the world's best bed, with the world's best heated mattress pad. When I get home tonight, the first thing I'm going to do is turn on the heated mattress pad to 3, and just be blissfully happy and warm while I snuggle with my princess blanket and my vera bradley blanket. These are the only things that remotely keep me warm since I had to get rid of my amazing purple blanket.

9. My foot is healing! I can walk without a limp (almost) and it only hurts when I stand on it a lot. It doesn't even look bad though.

10. Jesus, who gives me all these silly, little things. Even when the big stuff is hard, there are always things to be thankful for. Even the bad things.

*I don't really know if this counts as a real annotated list. I mean, annotated just means extra comments, right? I'm too lazy to open up Google and figure out if it's right or not, and I was totally on social media on the day when my college English professor explained the annotated stuff. whoops.

"winning" the break up.

I'm going to be honest and admit that this has been a really hard week. Work has been crazy and completely draining. Apart from that, roadblocks keep popping up every where I go, for everything I want to do. It's frustrating, and trusting God has been difficult this week.

Part of my "self-care," for this week has been watching ridiculous amounts of tv, including one of my all-time favs, How I Met Your Mother (or HIMYM, for my nerdling friends). I'm relating to Ted a little in this season of my life, as like Ted,  every relationship I've had seems to be a dead end. Except that he meets The Mother in Farhampton, but whatever (can we just say that 'farhampton' is a word I love to hate? Yes? Thank you. Moving on).

One of the episodes that was on recently was the episode right after Ted and Robin break up the first time (You know, the one after Marshal and Lily's Wedding and Ted and Robin have to return the blue french horn?) Robin goes off to Brazil and meets this studly stud named Gael, and Ted is all bummed because Robin is "winning" the break-up. Robin is flaunting this piece of Brazilian Wonder right before his eyes, and being the good man he is, Ted has to pretend everything is all good. Robin appears to be oblivious that Ted is dying, but that's probably just because she's heartless and Canadian (JK. Love Robin, and all my Canadian friends). Anyway, Ted's biggest complaint to Lily and Marshal is that Robin in "winning" the break-up, so he goes out and ends up sucking face with Kelly Clarkson. Problem solved, the end.


I have been so tempted this week, to "win" my break up. So tempted to pop on some online dating site, Walter Mitty my profile, find some great guy, and pretend that I believe in rebound relationships. Everyone says I shouldn't do this, because I "need time to heal," and I need to focus on "dating myself." I'm sorry, but that's crap. I honestly think for a split second, I'd feel great. I'd feel a little better, a little less like I belonged to the old guy, and see, you didn't really hurt me that bad. Save face, dust off my pride. 

But then I'd be playing with someone else's feelings, some innocent guy who didn't ask to be played or used just so some selfish girl can make herself feel better. I know how it feels to be played, and it's not pleasant. It's the reason I'm writing this blog. 

I think the most important reason that "winning" is toxic, is because it shows a lack of trust in God, and a lack of faith. It shows that I'm too afraid to wait on Him for someone amazing, and someone who will love me for my past, my flaws, my everything. Taking matters into my own hands is not what God has asked me to do at this point. 
I'm not saying I'll never try the online dating scene. I know it can be a cool thing. I think at this point though, I need to be less focused on winning, and more focused on how can I do this break up with godly dignity and humility. All of us going through something like this should ask ourselves the following questions: How can we honor God through this? How can we love those that hurt us? How does God want us to pray for the people that hurt us? How does God want us to be servants? What does daily forgiveness towards others look like?

Yikes. Talk about convicting. I'm praying for all my sweet friends out there tonight and for anyone hurting, even in the smallest ways. Jesus is the rock. He won't let you fall! xoxo.

Redemption

As far as weeks go, this one has been hard.  Seeing the old object of your affection for the first time, sans relationship, sucks.

Making bad choices to cope with your break up, sucks.

But we're not talking about that.
Too often in my life, I've focused on my past. Past mistakes and past hurts that I let rule my emotions and my relationships. I let them define my worth, but no more!

 I mean, people. How does that make any sense? I claim to be this follower of Christ, this NCG (that's nice christian girl, fyi), but I can't even find my value in the only One who matters. Instead I place my value in relationships. Boys. 

Let me tell you, friends. Boys are not worth it. They are not worth feeling like crap over, and they are certainly not worth compromising how you view yourself as a child of God. 
I repeat: Not worth it!

This may come across as harsh, but I think that's necessary, because as much as I'm putting this out there for everyone to read, I'm really trying to hammer it home for myself. 

When I was in The Pit this weekend, I spent some much needed time in Isaiah 43 and the book of Hosea. Isaiah 43 and Hosea are so heavy in redemption. So long had the nation of Israel really stuck it to God, and decided they would pacify themselves with a million other things. 
Then, Hosea. I wrote in my journal that I was Gomer* the prostitute that the prophet Hosea was commanded to marry. Gomer ran away from Hosea, and slept with other men, while they were married. She filled her heart with other things. 
I'm not saying I'm Gomer in the literal sense, but figuratively I'm all over that. My heart's devotion isn't to Jesus, it's to a guy, and those warm fuzzy feelings that come with it all. 
But despite all that, God saved me (us!) just like he did with Israel and with Gomer. 

Redemption is so real, friends. God is honestly just waiting for us to get it, and sometimes he uses things like a break-up from some guy you thought you might marry to grab a hold of your heart and remind you He's still here. He might save you from what could have been a disaster.

 I'm getting the feeling He did that for me.


*if you're looking to read an amazing book based off the story of Gomer and Hosea, I HIGHLY recommend Redeeming Love, by my girl Francine Rivers*

This is my first post.

Once upon a time, there was a girl (me!) who loved to write, and used to "make" blogs: Xanga, Livejournal, wordpress, tumblr, etc. Kind of blog hussy, if you will. Then she realized blogging just wasn't her thing, and that no one really cared about one more angst-ridden blog gracing the internet. 

Sometimes though, things change?

Sometimes there are problems that are just too big for us to handle on our own, and the only thing we can do is rely on Jesus. 

Sometimes it is really helpful to write these things down publicly, in the hopes that others will be encouraged by them. Maybe my pain can help someone else through theirs? Lofty dreams!

So here I am: I'm Amanda,  I'm 24 and have been single for exactly 4 days, and 15 hours. I try to love Jesus with everything I have, and up until recently have never been comfortable displaying my faith and trials in such a public place. I've had blogs before, but I think they require you to be honest- not sure if my previous attempts fell into the honest abe category.

Why am I writing this? 

Because:
1. I got my heart broken this week in what was thought to be a long-term, serious relationship I was sure was "destined" to last no matter what. 
2. I want to encourage others through trials, even though I know that broken hearts definitely don't have the corner on the market of personal pain and problems.
3. I'm at a unique crossroads in my life and I want to document how God is going to fix my broken self and turn this crap load of crappity-crap into something beautiful. 
4. Sometimes a girl just needs to write. 


For the skeptics and the naysayers:
1. No personal information of other parties will be shared in a way that will be compromising. I respect confidentiality.
2. That's all I have to say about that. 


Here we go.