Roots.

Sometimes there just isn't that much to say, but then sometimes you feel like you can barely hold back the words because you might explode if you don't write them down. That's tonight, I think. 

I have been single for.....awhile now. I decided that keeping track of that is stupid and not important. What is important is that a part of me feels better. Changed, in a good way. I feel somewhat confident in my role as a single woman who only needs to concern herself with what God wants, instead of pliable to the constant demands of others. There is a part of me that feels confident with my relationship with Christ, because I'm not doing it to make someone love me. Which is horrible, really. Terrible on both ends. If we can all take one thing away from tonight, please don't do Christiany things to make someone love you more. It speaks poorly of both parties. 

Ironically though, I have become so bitter and angry despite that being the one thing I promised I wouldn't do. I have become cynical and jaded with anger. I can hide it pretty well, and act happy and unconcerned. What I really want is for the horrible dreams to stop and for it all to have never happened. Is it bad to wish you had never met someone? That they were just erased from your life and all the problems and pain associated with them just disappeared too? I crave that. 

Look, I know that this is all wrong, that I should "smile because it happened," blah blah blah. I'm denying God the chance to work in my life through this bitterness, and I'm poisoning myself. Do we girls really think our ex-boyfriends care if we hate them? My guess is no. When we break up and move on, where does the move on part happen, if we are swamped in bitterness? It doesn't. 

I can't pretend like this bitterness thing has completely disappeared, now that I've come to face it. A character flaw that was so detrimental to my relationship that will serve me now though, is my stubbornness. I don't want to be bitter and angry for the rest of my life, because I want more moments of praying with strangers in gas stations after buying them chicken, and I want more moments of knowing that what came out of your mouth wasn't you but the Holy Spirit. I want more moments of being content as a sheep (which is a whole different post for another day).

I'm praying for all of the girls out there who have been hurt deeply by someone they loved. I'm praying that God equips us all with the strength to just let go when it is so easy to hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. He desires the best for us, and even though life can really suck, His plan is perfect. Pain can lead to restoration and beauty, if we let it. 

My conviction moment really came through this verse, which might be familiar: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Jesus has surely not liked all the bad things I have done in my life, but he forgave them and has moved on. They are white as snow, not even a thought in His mind. I can't withhold forgiveness from anyone, even if they broke my heart.  There is no "broken heart" clause in the Bible that exempts us from forgiveness. Rather, it seems as if "love" is the best remedy for a broken heart. Crazy? We'll see :)