After realizing I haven't blogged in all of April, and kind of feeling like I've been going a little crazy I decided it's time to become a little less crazy (Also, for those of you who hate the title of this post because it's so obnoxious, I'm sorry but I've been on Vine all day, and that whole thing has been stuck in my head. Apologies. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, just don't hate me when you Google it and become instantly annoyed).
I would be lying if I said that April has not been challenging. Cutting to the chase, I've been challenged with the charming realization that I spend a lot of my time wearing masks. So that's super fun. I don't know about the rest of you, but mask-wearing takes up a lot of energy. Like, I really don't understand how batman, spiderman, superman (did he actually wear a mask? or was it just glasses as Clark Kent?) do this all day, everyday. Exhausting. And I'm not even saving Gotham and New York City on a frequent basis.
I don't want to be vulnerable around anyone, so the mask of "I'm fine," is perpetually on. It might come off a little with my friends. Definitely off with my family when I can't take it anymore. I feel bad for them. But this is part of getting your heart broken, or being scarred from crap.
The worst part of it all is that it is so automatic and I don't even know it's happening most of the time. I think we're all like that, but that doesn't make it okay.
One of the best things about it however, is that I have some great, godly friends who are so encouraging and don't let me settle for being second-best Mandy. Masks are not acceptable. I love them for that. I don't think I say it enough, but I can't even express in words how grateful I am to my friends who don't put up with fakeness, and really, truly want God's best for me.
I pray with a group of friends on Tuesday night, but I have been on hiatus lately. For those who don't know, praying, especially with others can tend to be a more intimate experience. I struggle with forming my thoughts out loud, and praying with others can be stressful at times. It's stupid I know, but whatever. Praying in a group that happens to include an ex-boyfriend can compound that stress one hundred times over. It's so weird because when you used to be so close with someone, and then suddenly you're not, it's not like they forgot about who you are, or the things that you struggle with. But you have to pretend you don't know them anymore, and pretend to be strangers. It's bizarre, really. Hence the stress. You don't want to appear weak and vulnerable, especially to someone who knew too much about you. You want to appear like everything is together, and nothing is the matter. As if they never mattered at all. Right.
Therein lies the problem. How can we be involved in corporate prayer, or any meaningful relationship when there are masks? We all have them. Don't tell me you don't, because that's probably not true. No offense. ha. Seriously though, how do followers of Christ combat mask-syndrome when they enter into prayer with other believers? Is it simply putting aside the mask as an act of will by realizing we're all cut from the same sinful cloth? Praying the masks away? Is it a "name it and claim it" situation?
The cynical part of us (who is all up on my grill right now, thank you very much) is very inclined to forget prayer night, and forget everyone who hurt her. Become a woman of all steel, and no feels (ha!).
Wants-to-do-better, living with the Holy Spirit part of us says to pray about this and work on giving up those masks to Jesus. By doing this, I mean in a healthy way, and not to anyone we used to be romantically involved with. If that door is shut my friends, leave it shut until God opens it, and don't expect it to be with the same person (more on that another time).
If someone is really asking how we're doing, be honest. If we need prayer because we just aren't feeling this heartbreak situation anymore, then ask for it. As fun as it is to be everyone's favorite neighborhood spider man (or woman!), who saves us all from crazy pants Willem Dafoe, remember that even Peter Parker got exhausted by it all. We don't have to be superheros! Jesus died on the cross for us because we, in all our human lameness, could not be anything close to super. Radioactive spiders do not exist. We all suck and are nothing without Jesus' infinite love and sacrifice. He loves us with or without our masks, but He is so ready for us to take them all off. <3
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