Thank you!

It's been awhile! There has been little to say, and then so much at the same time.  How to say it all, without being a snark (Admittedly, one of the things I do best), or without sounding like a crazed, ex-girlfriend?

Now, for some great news: a crazed ex-girlfriend am I no longer! Not that I think I ever was.. I mean, did I ever break the windows out your car, or take a Louisville slugger to both headlights? Slash all four tires, or carve my name into those leather seats? ( btw, Carrie Underwood still knows how to keep it country, unlike T-Swift who has officially sold out. But I'm not bitter). I know there were moments where I felt crazy, and felt like I must be the only person in the world feeling this way, and going through the patterns of being okay, then not, then being great, and then wanting to check in at the heartbreak hotel. Truthfully, the amount of times I went through that this last year are too many to count. I remember having a moment at Disney World (of all places, but still the happiest place on earth) just crying at Epcot and wondering about the why of it all.

Newsflash: The "why of it all" is not for me to know at this point. I think that's what killed me the most, was that maybe if I could see the future, I wouldn't be so pissed off about the present and how much my heart hurt right then. I thought I was owed an explanation, as if God owed me anything.

I know He loves me desperately, but there are just some things I don't get to know. As John Piper says "God is always doing 10,000 things in your life and you may be aware of three of them." Only three! The rest is not for me to know, and to be happy and content, there needs to be trust that He knows what He's doing with the "why."  That has been my struggle, even today, with knowing that God  is indeed the man with the plan, and not Amanda who although she is a daughter of the king is flawed, biased, and admittedly wants what she wants. How glad am I though, that I don't always get what I want? Which leads me to my thank you note, a' la Jimmy Fallon style (I swear it's not a satirical thank you note. I just like the music they play while he writes them).

Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For allowing me the opportunity to run to Jesus and have Him be my everything.
Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For a clean break, which gave me the chance to be Amanda by herself (which isn't so bad after all).
Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For showing me a little bit of how to date and how not to. I grew from our relationship, and that's cool.
Finally, Thank you, ex-boyfriend,
For cutting the cord on our relationship when I was unable to. I wouldn't be where I am now if not for that.
 
The Lord gives and He takes away, and I am grateful that He still considers me "worth it" to refine and put me through different seasons of life. My prayer is that this will be a testimony to others, and that whatever words are spit out from my trusty Dell Inspiron keyboard, are words that I will live, daily. Jesus' words.

I don't really know how this blog will look in the future, but I'm thinking the dramatic sufferings of my breakup have come to an end and it will focus on other things. I'd like to believe I'm over him and ready to move on to the next challenge :) God bless you all who have read this and prayed for my heart to heal. xoxo!

Do you gotta mask? Or nahh?

After realizing I haven't blogged in all of April, and kind of feeling like I've been going a little crazy I decided it's time to become a little less crazy (Also, for those of you who hate the title of this post because it's so obnoxious, I'm sorry but I've been on Vine all day, and that whole thing has been stuck in my head. Apologies. For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, just don't hate me when you Google it and become instantly annoyed).

I would be lying if I said that April has not been challenging. Cutting to the chase, I've been challenged with the charming realization that I spend a lot of my time wearing masks. So that's super fun. I don't know about the rest of you, but mask-wearing takes up a lot of energy. Like, I really don't understand how batman, spiderman, superman (did he actually wear a mask? or was it just glasses as Clark Kent?) do this all day, everyday. Exhausting. And I'm not even saving Gotham and New York City on a frequent basis. 

I don't want to be vulnerable around anyone, so the mask of  "I'm fine," is perpetually on. It might come off a little with my friends. Definitely off with my family when I can't take it anymore. I feel bad for them. But this is part of getting your heart broken, or being scarred from crap. 

The worst part of it all is that it is so automatic and I don't even know it's happening most of the time. I think we're all like that, but that doesn't make it okay.

One of the best things about it however, is that I have some great, godly friends who are so encouraging and don't let me settle for being second-best Mandy. Masks are not acceptable. I love them for that. I don't think I say it enough, but I can't even express in words how grateful I am to my friends who don't put up with fakeness, and really, truly want God's best for me.

I pray with a group of friends on Tuesday night, but I have been on hiatus lately. For those who don't know, praying, especially with others can tend to be a more intimate experience. I struggle with forming my thoughts out loud, and praying with others can be stressful at times. It's stupid I know, but whatever. Praying in a group that happens to include an ex-boyfriend can compound that stress one hundred times over. It's so weird because when you used to be so close with someone, and then suddenly you're not, it's not like they forgot about who you are, or the things that you struggle with. But you have to pretend you don't know them anymore, and pretend to be strangers. It's bizarre, really. Hence the stress. You don't want to appear weak and vulnerable, especially to someone who knew too much about you. You want to appear like everything is together, and nothing is the matter. As if they never mattered at all. Right.

Therein lies the problem. How can we be involved in corporate prayer, or any meaningful relationship when there are masks? We all have them. Don't tell me you don't, because that's probably not true. No offense. ha. Seriously though, how do followers of Christ combat mask-syndrome when they enter into prayer with other believers? Is it simply putting aside the mask as an act of will by realizing we're all cut from the same sinful cloth? Praying the masks away? Is it a "name it and claim it" situation?  

The cynical part of us (who is all up on my grill right now, thank you very much) is very inclined to forget prayer night, and forget everyone who hurt her. Become a woman of all steel, and no feels (ha!).

Wants-to-do-better, living with the Holy Spirit part of us says to pray about this and work on giving up those masks to Jesus. By doing this, I mean in a healthy way, and not to anyone we used to be romantically involved with. If that door is shut my friends, leave it shut until God opens it, and don't expect it to be with the same person (more on that another time). 

If someone is really asking how we're doing, be honest. If we need prayer because we just aren't feeling this heartbreak situation anymore, then ask for it. As fun as it is to be everyone's favorite neighborhood spider man (or woman!), who saves us all from crazy pants Willem Dafoe, remember that even Peter Parker got exhausted by it all. We don't have to be superheros! Jesus died on the cross for us because we, in all our human lameness, could not be anything close to super. Radioactive spiders do not exist. We all suck and are nothing without Jesus' infinite love and sacrifice. He loves us with or without our masks, but He is so ready for us to take them all off. <3

Roots.

Sometimes there just isn't that much to say, but then sometimes you feel like you can barely hold back the words because you might explode if you don't write them down. That's tonight, I think. 

I have been single for.....awhile now. I decided that keeping track of that is stupid and not important. What is important is that a part of me feels better. Changed, in a good way. I feel somewhat confident in my role as a single woman who only needs to concern herself with what God wants, instead of pliable to the constant demands of others. There is a part of me that feels confident with my relationship with Christ, because I'm not doing it to make someone love me. Which is horrible, really. Terrible on both ends. If we can all take one thing away from tonight, please don't do Christiany things to make someone love you more. It speaks poorly of both parties. 

Ironically though, I have become so bitter and angry despite that being the one thing I promised I wouldn't do. I have become cynical and jaded with anger. I can hide it pretty well, and act happy and unconcerned. What I really want is for the horrible dreams to stop and for it all to have never happened. Is it bad to wish you had never met someone? That they were just erased from your life and all the problems and pain associated with them just disappeared too? I crave that. 

Look, I know that this is all wrong, that I should "smile because it happened," blah blah blah. I'm denying God the chance to work in my life through this bitterness, and I'm poisoning myself. Do we girls really think our ex-boyfriends care if we hate them? My guess is no. When we break up and move on, where does the move on part happen, if we are swamped in bitterness? It doesn't. 

I can't pretend like this bitterness thing has completely disappeared, now that I've come to face it. A character flaw that was so detrimental to my relationship that will serve me now though, is my stubbornness. I don't want to be bitter and angry for the rest of my life, because I want more moments of praying with strangers in gas stations after buying them chicken, and I want more moments of knowing that what came out of your mouth wasn't you but the Holy Spirit. I want more moments of being content as a sheep (which is a whole different post for another day).

I'm praying for all of the girls out there who have been hurt deeply by someone they loved. I'm praying that God equips us all with the strength to just let go when it is so easy to hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. He desires the best for us, and even though life can really suck, His plan is perfect. Pain can lead to restoration and beauty, if we let it. 

My conviction moment really came through this verse, which might be familiar: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Jesus has surely not liked all the bad things I have done in my life, but he forgave them and has moved on. They are white as snow, not even a thought in His mind. I can't withhold forgiveness from anyone, even if they broke my heart.  There is no "broken heart" clause in the Bible that exempts us from forgiveness. Rather, it seems as if "love" is the best remedy for a broken heart. Crazy? We'll see :)

It's been awhile. I've been avoiding writing for some reason. I don't know why.

It might have something to do with just feeling numb overall. Not happy, not sad, just existing.

People will occasionally ask how things are, and I say every time "surviving," because that's what I'm doing.
I wake up, drag myself to work and work until I need to. Then I either do some other activity, or isolate in my room until I fall asleep. It's a great arrangement, really. 

It's the same every day, for the most part. I exist with the other people around me, but I feel an absence of engagement. I don't mean to be sad, or be dramatic. This my time to be honest and yet I don't even feel like I have anything really to say here.  Sometimes I do better with lists, so I'll try that:

Things that are going well:
1. Disney world in two days.
2. Spring is coming
3. The two month mark passed and I didn't even realize it.
4. Two out of the three holidays are right at our doorstep (St. Patrick's day and Easter. Duh!)
5. By this time next year, I won't be sad about stupid stuff anymore.
6. God has decided every day for the last 24 years that I'm worth it to wake up each morning. I'm grateful for that.
7. "Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off.   And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!"  (Romans 11:22-25)

Things that are not going well:
1. I have no excitement or trust in people, and I'm afraid it's always going to be like this. 
 
I'm sorry that this post isn't a spectacular literary work. 

Do you ever...

...read your old tweets and just laugh at how funny you were? No?
Mandy, President Obama just called, and he wants his narcissm back. Not appropriate? Sorry!

Anyways, I read some old tweets tonight, just for fun. January was a dark time, on the twitter timeline.
I had some rage days, and tweeted some things that were definitely lacking in love. For anyone I hurt with those, I'm sorry.

On December 27th, I tweeted "time to walk away."

My family Christmas party was that day, and I had been reading old emails and doing some self-reflecting. I realized a couple of things:
1. My "perfect" relationship was so far from perfect. There were issues.
2. Things were different, and not in a good way.
3. I knew that things needed to end or change.
4. Number three was too scary, and I needed to put a mask on to salvage my relationship. I didn't want to be alone. Alone is scary.


I think there were several points in my relationship, that I knew that it should have ended, that this was not okay, or maybe there was a different plan God had for both of us. I am stubborn though, (shocked? don't be) and was determined to make things work. Determined for the wrong reasons? Maybe. Maybe not. Determined because you believe in commitment is a good quality to have, but if you're committed for the wrong reasons, then it's no good.

At any rate though, it happened the way it did. When I prayed so desperately for hearts to change, they didn't change in the way I expected. That's okay though, because when you pray for something you have to be prepared that the outcome might not be what you expect.

The raw pain always subsides, if that's one thing I've learned from navigating other relationships. Has this one been the worst? Yes and no. It's been different because of the length, promises, and expectations. But mistakes made in other relationships were thankfully avoided in this one. There is always something to be thankful for, and God is always good. Always!

I can look back and wish that I had been the one to cut the cord, and salvage some pride, but what is pride really? One of the best movies of all times is Meet the Robinson's, and the tagline of that movie is "Keep moving forward!" And that's what I'm going to do.

This is not a valentine's day post

It's really not, because technically it's February 15th now, and v-day is over with. I can't say I'm sad to see it go, although there were some lovely unexpected surprises. My darling best friend sent me flowers and a card with this text: "You don't need a man today, because you have many other people that love you."
And she's right.

I also received a "not-a-valentines-day card" from my dad. My parents usually get us all cards each year, and I told my parents that I wanted nothing to do with any of it this year. But because my dad is cute and stubborn, he wrote me the best note, ending with this:  "God loves you more than any one else ever will. Put all your energy into discovering the breadth, length, and height of Christ's love for you. A love that surpasses all knowledge and understanding." And he's right.


I woke up this morning planning on avoiding this day at all costs. Throw myself into work and just forget that I used to have a reason to get excited for this stupid holiday, and that I was someone's girl. 
I guess I forgot for a minute that I have always been God's girl, and one person's failure to love me doesn't change that at all.
This whole day makes it all the more real to me now, as I sit and ruminate over what true love really is, while eating my cheesecake and watching trashy television. What it means to sacrificially love others, and what does selflessness really look like. 
The most important thing I can do right now is share what that looks like with others. That real love isn't selfish or indecisive or dishonest. There shouldn't be fear in love, but trust. 
Real, true, 100% perfect love will never be found in a person. I have to stop looking for that with others and place unrealistic expectations on them. People aren't gods that have all these amazingly perfect qualities suddenly, just because they're into you. People have no idea what love even means, until they've been touched by real love and grace through Christ. Even then, some still don't get it right. Followers of Christ are just as flawed as everyone else. I know I am. 

Friends, this is maybe is a more blunt post. I'm not sorry, though. This whole post is the reason why I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, and why I can even stand to be around my ex, because there is no point in being bitter. The point now, is to move on and focus all my energy on Christ, and sharing that with others.

Be blessed tonight, friends. My opinion is a famously unpopular one, but that's okay! God's love surpasses all, and I hope and pray that each of us hold on to that tightly during every season of our lives.

alone...

... yet not alone. If you have no idea what those words mean, then I encourage you to stop reading this right now, and go to the youtube and listen to the song "Alone Yet Not Alone," as sung by Joni Eareckson Tada.

This song.. it made me cry the first time I heard it.. and the second (but let's be honest. I cry over everything, so big surprise). It's like it is written for every sad person who has been hurt, and who has ever felt alone.

Then I started just thinking about amazing it is that I'm never alone, not really. I can be alone in my room watching He's just not that into you,  and writing this post, but I'm so not alone.

I can be crying in my car after a day that was just too much, but I am so not alone.

I can be driving to Port Huron on a home visit (which fun fact, is like 5 miles from Canada) and feel isolated.. but I am so not alone.

I can be single, but I am not alone.

My (and our!) not alone-ness is only because of Jesus and how he has promised to never abandon us in all our crap. He cares about all our pain, our feelings of abandonment- and is patient with us while we muddle through all of this.
Psalm 46:1 says " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." He's not going anywhere, friends. We are alone, yet not (really) alone.

It's not easy to "muddle through," and it's certainly not easy to recover from trauma or heartbreak in any form. God never guaranteed it would be easy though, and in fact we are promised that it won't be easy at all! Especially being a follower of Christ, I know that my road will be gloriously difficult.

The question is, do I praise Him just as excitedly in the shadow, as I do the sunshine? Or do I give up because it's too hard? Get discouraged and bitter?
I don't think today is that day.