Do you ever...

...read your old tweets and just laugh at how funny you were? No?
Mandy, President Obama just called, and he wants his narcissm back. Not appropriate? Sorry!

Anyways, I read some old tweets tonight, just for fun. January was a dark time, on the twitter timeline.
I had some rage days, and tweeted some things that were definitely lacking in love. For anyone I hurt with those, I'm sorry.

On December 27th, I tweeted "time to walk away."

My family Christmas party was that day, and I had been reading old emails and doing some self-reflecting. I realized a couple of things:
1. My "perfect" relationship was so far from perfect. There were issues.
2. Things were different, and not in a good way.
3. I knew that things needed to end or change.
4. Number three was too scary, and I needed to put a mask on to salvage my relationship. I didn't want to be alone. Alone is scary.


I think there were several points in my relationship, that I knew that it should have ended, that this was not okay, or maybe there was a different plan God had for both of us. I am stubborn though, (shocked? don't be) and was determined to make things work. Determined for the wrong reasons? Maybe. Maybe not. Determined because you believe in commitment is a good quality to have, but if you're committed for the wrong reasons, then it's no good.

At any rate though, it happened the way it did. When I prayed so desperately for hearts to change, they didn't change in the way I expected. That's okay though, because when you pray for something you have to be prepared that the outcome might not be what you expect.

The raw pain always subsides, if that's one thing I've learned from navigating other relationships. Has this one been the worst? Yes and no. It's been different because of the length, promises, and expectations. But mistakes made in other relationships were thankfully avoided in this one. There is always something to be thankful for, and God is always good. Always!

I can look back and wish that I had been the one to cut the cord, and salvage some pride, but what is pride really? One of the best movies of all times is Meet the Robinson's, and the tagline of that movie is "Keep moving forward!" And that's what I'm going to do.

This is not a valentine's day post

It's really not, because technically it's February 15th now, and v-day is over with. I can't say I'm sad to see it go, although there were some lovely unexpected surprises. My darling best friend sent me flowers and a card with this text: "You don't need a man today, because you have many other people that love you."
And she's right.

I also received a "not-a-valentines-day card" from my dad. My parents usually get us all cards each year, and I told my parents that I wanted nothing to do with any of it this year. But because my dad is cute and stubborn, he wrote me the best note, ending with this:  "God loves you more than any one else ever will. Put all your energy into discovering the breadth, length, and height of Christ's love for you. A love that surpasses all knowledge and understanding." And he's right.


I woke up this morning planning on avoiding this day at all costs. Throw myself into work and just forget that I used to have a reason to get excited for this stupid holiday, and that I was someone's girl. 
I guess I forgot for a minute that I have always been God's girl, and one person's failure to love me doesn't change that at all.
This whole day makes it all the more real to me now, as I sit and ruminate over what true love really is, while eating my cheesecake and watching trashy television. What it means to sacrificially love others, and what does selflessness really look like. 
The most important thing I can do right now is share what that looks like with others. That real love isn't selfish or indecisive or dishonest. There shouldn't be fear in love, but trust. 
Real, true, 100% perfect love will never be found in a person. I have to stop looking for that with others and place unrealistic expectations on them. People aren't gods that have all these amazingly perfect qualities suddenly, just because they're into you. People have no idea what love even means, until they've been touched by real love and grace through Christ. Even then, some still don't get it right. Followers of Christ are just as flawed as everyone else. I know I am. 

Friends, this is maybe is a more blunt post. I'm not sorry, though. This whole post is the reason why I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, and why I can even stand to be around my ex, because there is no point in being bitter. The point now, is to move on and focus all my energy on Christ, and sharing that with others.

Be blessed tonight, friends. My opinion is a famously unpopular one, but that's okay! God's love surpasses all, and I hope and pray that each of us hold on to that tightly during every season of our lives.

alone...

... yet not alone. If you have no idea what those words mean, then I encourage you to stop reading this right now, and go to the youtube and listen to the song "Alone Yet Not Alone," as sung by Joni Eareckson Tada.

This song.. it made me cry the first time I heard it.. and the second (but let's be honest. I cry over everything, so big surprise). It's like it is written for every sad person who has been hurt, and who has ever felt alone.

Then I started just thinking about amazing it is that I'm never alone, not really. I can be alone in my room watching He's just not that into you,  and writing this post, but I'm so not alone.

I can be crying in my car after a day that was just too much, but I am so not alone.

I can be driving to Port Huron on a home visit (which fun fact, is like 5 miles from Canada) and feel isolated.. but I am so not alone.

I can be single, but I am not alone.

My (and our!) not alone-ness is only because of Jesus and how he has promised to never abandon us in all our crap. He cares about all our pain, our feelings of abandonment- and is patient with us while we muddle through all of this.
Psalm 46:1 says " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." He's not going anywhere, friends. We are alone, yet not (really) alone.

It's not easy to "muddle through," and it's certainly not easy to recover from trauma or heartbreak in any form. God never guaranteed it would be easy though, and in fact we are promised that it won't be easy at all! Especially being a follower of Christ, I know that my road will be gloriously difficult.

The question is, do I praise Him just as excitedly in the shadow, as I do the sunshine? Or do I give up because it's too hard? Get discouraged and bitter?
I don't think today is that day.

Lies.

In the book Captivating, by the Stasi and John Eldridge (question. Is Stasi even a real name? I was always confused by that) there is a part of the book that exposes the two greatest fears of the female mind. Lies we believe, if you will. There are: I am not enough, and I am too much.

I have read this book a couple of times. Once I even read through the "couples question guide," which was supposed to strengthen my relationship with God and my significant other, I guess? (spoiler alert: didn't quite work). Anyway, each time I've read this book, I've always lumped myself in with the "I am too much" camp because I have a lot going on with a lot of baggage and a scary past with emotional scarring. This is a lie I don't want to believe, but it's one that I am. Maybe if I had toned it down a little bit, been a little less crazy, a little less pressuring, things would be different, perhaps. 

The other side of the coin is the "not enough." Maybe I wasn't enough, despite all the virtues that everyone close to me says I possess. 

It's hard to know which lie to believe; which one to settle on. I feel frantic, like I should be able to just pick one, and once I can do that, the answer of why this whole relationship exploded will be crystal clear. 

I know this is crazy, that we don't just get gifted answers of why things work out or why they don't. It's not maybe in God's plan to have me figure this all out? Maybe if I did, the journey of faith and trusting wouldn't be so sweet and real.  I know that God wants my heart and my everything, but I want answers! I want to know the future, and have the delusional thought that if I know things won't hurt so much, or maybe I'll heal faster.

Waiting and trusting is so hard. I wasn't good at being patient while in a relationship and I'm no better at it now that I'm single.

We can't even be certain of tomorrow, so one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Get out of bed, and trust God to take care of everything. It hurts, but that's okay. We are not too much or too little, despite believing it when people throw us away.

Today is Thursday.

Warning, sad ahead!

There are times like today, where I just can't take anymore and the frustration and heartache are overwhelming.

Work: The stress is a little crushing and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. The unique and sad situation of each kid can be heartbreaking, and I'm wondering when it will become too much and I'll become another statistically burned out social worker. A lot of people don't even think I'm cut out for it anyway. Those comments are always hurtful.

God: Fighting for my daily time with the Lord is hard, and there are days where it seems easier to put it aside until there is time. I'm also so tired of crying and questioning why all of this is happening the way it has, and I feel annoying. 

Friends: My friends are amazing..but I feel annoying because I keep crying and complaining over the same things. I'm sorry, friends. Please be patient with me. 


Independence: Moving out has fallen through for the time being, and I am getting so frustrated with things not going as planned. The continual disappointment of my circumstances is so old and I'm just becoming jaded. 

The break-up situation: Anger. Everything is unfair. How can one person be so damaging?

 Handling this with dignity gets harder every day, and there have been an infinity number of times where I just want to drive my car into his house. Which is wrong, I know! I should be the bigger person, I should heap hot coals on his head by being kind. I shouldn't be angry because I can't do things like go to prayer night. 
I shouldn't be angry because he's over it all. 
I need to guard my heart and my mind from everything that is untrue, and just continue to pray through this. My vulnerability is the enemy's playground right now, and I don't want to be played with any more.

I'm just going to take this bad day, and hope that tomorrow is better.

Annotated?

Usually, I like to post just once a week.

But I have some time, and lots of thoughts swirling in my brain, so here's two!

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to write about all the amazing positive things going on in my life. I know that I "need to allow myself to grieve," as everyone around me has been saying, but I need to combat the anger and bitterness somehow.
I know it won't all be positive, and I apologize for when it does get negative, and by apologize I mean, not really apologize. ha.

The top ten things I have going for me right now, *annotated:

1. I'm about to save over $100 a month by getting a new cell phone plan.
I'm buying my sister's friend's old phone and will be switching to straight talk. Thanks, April!
Also, here is just my little plug for straight talk... you all should check this out.

2. The most darling little nugget I babysat for tonight said to me: "These fruit snacks are so cute. But you're cuter, miss Amanda!" He's three, and completely a little ham.

3. The only thing that got me out of bed this morning was the most amazing donut from Dunkin' Donuts, proving that once again, America does run on Dunkin'.


4. My dad sat and watched the movie, The Ringer with me today, for a little bit. For those of you that know my dad, and have seen the Ringer.. this is a big deal. But I was crying and sad, and he always makes me feel better.

5. Tomorrow is Sunday, which means I get to see my darling Cubbies. They always make me laugh.

6. Tomorrow is still Sunday, which means I'm singing in the choir for the first time ever. Excited and nervous, but totes thankful for it. I don't even know why really, but I am.

7. My brother let me use his chrome book tonight. That was so nice of you, brother! I'm sorry I'm mad at you all the time for not picking up your clothes in the bathroom.

8. I have the world's best bed, with the world's best heated mattress pad. When I get home tonight, the first thing I'm going to do is turn on the heated mattress pad to 3, and just be blissfully happy and warm while I snuggle with my princess blanket and my vera bradley blanket. These are the only things that remotely keep me warm since I had to get rid of my amazing purple blanket.

9. My foot is healing! I can walk without a limp (almost) and it only hurts when I stand on it a lot. It doesn't even look bad though.

10. Jesus, who gives me all these silly, little things. Even when the big stuff is hard, there are always things to be thankful for. Even the bad things.

*I don't really know if this counts as a real annotated list. I mean, annotated just means extra comments, right? I'm too lazy to open up Google and figure out if it's right or not, and I was totally on social media on the day when my college English professor explained the annotated stuff. whoops.

"winning" the break up.

I'm going to be honest and admit that this has been a really hard week. Work has been crazy and completely draining. Apart from that, roadblocks keep popping up every where I go, for everything I want to do. It's frustrating, and trusting God has been difficult this week.

Part of my "self-care," for this week has been watching ridiculous amounts of tv, including one of my all-time favs, How I Met Your Mother (or HIMYM, for my nerdling friends). I'm relating to Ted a little in this season of my life, as like Ted,  every relationship I've had seems to be a dead end. Except that he meets The Mother in Farhampton, but whatever (can we just say that 'farhampton' is a word I love to hate? Yes? Thank you. Moving on).

One of the episodes that was on recently was the episode right after Ted and Robin break up the first time (You know, the one after Marshal and Lily's Wedding and Ted and Robin have to return the blue french horn?) Robin goes off to Brazil and meets this studly stud named Gael, and Ted is all bummed because Robin is "winning" the break-up. Robin is flaunting this piece of Brazilian Wonder right before his eyes, and being the good man he is, Ted has to pretend everything is all good. Robin appears to be oblivious that Ted is dying, but that's probably just because she's heartless and Canadian (JK. Love Robin, and all my Canadian friends). Anyway, Ted's biggest complaint to Lily and Marshal is that Robin in "winning" the break-up, so he goes out and ends up sucking face with Kelly Clarkson. Problem solved, the end.


I have been so tempted this week, to "win" my break up. So tempted to pop on some online dating site, Walter Mitty my profile, find some great guy, and pretend that I believe in rebound relationships. Everyone says I shouldn't do this, because I "need time to heal," and I need to focus on "dating myself." I'm sorry, but that's crap. I honestly think for a split second, I'd feel great. I'd feel a little better, a little less like I belonged to the old guy, and see, you didn't really hurt me that bad. Save face, dust off my pride. 

But then I'd be playing with someone else's feelings, some innocent guy who didn't ask to be played or used just so some selfish girl can make herself feel better. I know how it feels to be played, and it's not pleasant. It's the reason I'm writing this blog. 

I think the most important reason that "winning" is toxic, is because it shows a lack of trust in God, and a lack of faith. It shows that I'm too afraid to wait on Him for someone amazing, and someone who will love me for my past, my flaws, my everything. Taking matters into my own hands is not what God has asked me to do at this point. 
I'm not saying I'll never try the online dating scene. I know it can be a cool thing. I think at this point though, I need to be less focused on winning, and more focused on how can I do this break up with godly dignity and humility. All of us going through something like this should ask ourselves the following questions: How can we honor God through this? How can we love those that hurt us? How does God want us to pray for the people that hurt us? How does God want us to be servants? What does daily forgiveness towards others look like?

Yikes. Talk about convicting. I'm praying for all my sweet friends out there tonight and for anyone hurting, even in the smallest ways. Jesus is the rock. He won't let you fall! xoxo.