Sometimes there just isn't that much to say, but then sometimes you feel like you can barely hold back the words because you might explode if you don't write them down. That's tonight, I think.
I have been single for.....awhile now. I decided that keeping track of that is stupid and not important. What is important is that a part of me feels better. Changed, in a good way. I feel somewhat confident in my role as a single woman who only needs to concern herself with what God wants, instead of pliable to the constant demands of others. There is a part of me that feels confident with my relationship with Christ, because I'm not doing it to make someone love me. Which is horrible, really. Terrible on both ends. If we can all take one thing away from tonight, please don't do Christiany things to make someone love you more. It speaks poorly of both parties.
Ironically though, I have become so bitter and angry despite that being the one thing I promised I wouldn't do. I have become cynical and jaded with anger. I can hide it pretty well, and act happy and unconcerned. What I really want is for the horrible dreams to stop and for it all to have never happened. Is it bad to wish you had never met someone? That they were just erased from your life and all the problems and pain associated with them just disappeared too? I crave that.
Look, I know that this is all wrong, that I should "smile because it happened," blah blah blah. I'm denying God the chance to work in my life through this bitterness, and I'm poisoning myself. Do we girls really think our ex-boyfriends care if we hate them? My guess is no. When we break up and move on, where does the move on part happen, if we are swamped in bitterness? It doesn't.
I can't pretend like this bitterness thing has completely disappeared, now that I've come to face it. A character flaw that was so detrimental to my relationship that will serve me now though, is my stubbornness. I don't want to be bitter and angry for the rest of my life, because I want more moments of praying with strangers in gas stations after buying them chicken, and I want more moments of knowing that what came out of your mouth wasn't you but the Holy Spirit. I want more moments of being content as a sheep (which is a whole different post for another day).
I'm praying for all of the girls out there who have been hurt deeply by someone they loved. I'm praying that God equips us all with the strength to just let go when it is so easy to hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. He desires the best for us, and even though life can really suck, His plan is perfect. Pain can lead to restoration and beauty, if we let it.
My conviction moment really came through this verse, which might be familiar: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
Jesus has surely not liked all the bad things I have done in my life, but he forgave them and has moved on. They are white as snow, not even a thought in His mind. I can't withhold forgiveness from anyone, even if they broke my heart. There is no "broken heart" clause in the Bible that exempts us from forgiveness. Rather, it seems as if "love" is the best remedy for a broken heart. Crazy? We'll see :)
Victoria Falls, Zambia 2012
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
It's been awhile. I've been avoiding writing for some reason. I don't know why.
It might have something to do with just feeling numb overall. Not happy, not sad, just existing.
People will occasionally ask how things are, and I say every time "surviving," because that's what I'm doing.
I wake up, drag myself to work and work until I need to. Then I either do some other activity, or isolate in my room until I fall asleep. It's a great arrangement, really.
It's the same every day, for the most part. I exist with the other people around me, but I feel an absence of engagement. I don't mean to be sad, or be dramatic. This my time to be honest and yet I don't even feel like I have anything really to say here. Sometimes I do better with lists, so I'll try that:
Things that are going well:
1. Disney world in two days.
2. Spring is coming
3. The two month mark passed and I didn't even realize it.
4. Two out of the three holidays are right at our doorstep (St. Patrick's day and Easter. Duh!)
5. By this time next year, I won't be sad about stupid stuff anymore.
6. God has decided every day for the last 24 years that I'm worth it to wake up each morning. I'm grateful for that.
7. "Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off. And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!" (Romans 11:22-25)
Things that are not going well:
1. I have no excitement or trust in people, and I'm afraid it's always going to be like this.
I'm sorry that this post isn't a spectacular literary work.
It might have something to do with just feeling numb overall. Not happy, not sad, just existing.
People will occasionally ask how things are, and I say every time "surviving," because that's what I'm doing.
I wake up, drag myself to work and work until I need to. Then I either do some other activity, or isolate in my room until I fall asleep. It's a great arrangement, really.
It's the same every day, for the most part. I exist with the other people around me, but I feel an absence of engagement. I don't mean to be sad, or be dramatic. This my time to be honest and yet I don't even feel like I have anything really to say here. Sometimes I do better with lists, so I'll try that:
Things that are going well:
1. Disney world in two days.
2. Spring is coming
3. The two month mark passed and I didn't even realize it.
4. Two out of the three holidays are right at our doorstep (St. Patrick's day and Easter. Duh!)
5. By this time next year, I won't be sad about stupid stuff anymore.
6. God has decided every day for the last 24 years that I'm worth it to wake up each morning. I'm grateful for that.
7. "Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off. And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!" (Romans 11:22-25)
Things that are not going well:
1. I have no excitement or trust in people, and I'm afraid it's always going to be like this.
I'm sorry that this post isn't a spectacular literary work.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Do you ever...
...read your old tweets and just laugh at how funny you were? No?
Mandy,President Obama just called, and he wants his narcissm back. Not appropriate? Sorry!
Anyways, I read some old tweets tonight, just for fun. January was a dark time, on the twitter timeline.
I had some rage days, and tweeted some things that were definitely lacking in love. For anyone I hurt with those, I'm sorry.
On December 27th, I tweeted "time to walk away."
My family Christmas party was that day, and I had been reading old emails and doing some self-reflecting. I realized a couple of things:
1. My "perfect" relationship was so far from perfect. There were issues.
2. Things were different, and not in a good way.
3. I knew that things needed to end or change.
4. Number three was too scary, and I needed to put a mask on to salvage my relationship. I didn't want to be alone. Alone is scary.
I think there were several points in my relationship, that I knew that it should have ended, that this was not okay, or maybe there was a different plan God had for both of us. I am stubborn though, (shocked? don't be) and was determined to make things work. Determined for the wrong reasons? Maybe. Maybe not. Determined because you believe in commitment is a good quality to have, but if you're committed for the wrong reasons, then it's no good.
At any rate though, it happened the way it did. When I prayed so desperately for hearts to change, they didn't change in the way I expected. That's okay though, because when you pray for something you have to be prepared that the outcome might not be what you expect.
The raw pain always subsides, if that's one thing I've learned from navigating other relationships. Has this one been the worst? Yes and no. It's been different because of the length, promises, and expectations. But mistakes made in other relationships were thankfully avoided in this one. There is always something to be thankful for, and God is always good. Always!
I can look back and wish that I had been the one to cut the cord, and salvage some pride, but what is pride really? One of the best movies of all times is Meet the Robinson's, and the tagline of that movie is "Keep moving forward!" And that's what I'm going to do.
Mandy,
Anyways, I read some old tweets tonight, just for fun. January was a dark time, on the twitter timeline.
I had some rage days, and tweeted some things that were definitely lacking in love. For anyone I hurt with those, I'm sorry.
On December 27th, I tweeted "time to walk away."
My family Christmas party was that day, and I had been reading old emails and doing some self-reflecting. I realized a couple of things:
1. My "perfect" relationship was so far from perfect. There were issues.
2. Things were different, and not in a good way.
3. I knew that things needed to end or change.
4. Number three was too scary, and I needed to put a mask on to salvage my relationship. I didn't want to be alone. Alone is scary.
I think there were several points in my relationship, that I knew that it should have ended, that this was not okay, or maybe there was a different plan God had for both of us. I am stubborn though, (shocked? don't be) and was determined to make things work. Determined for the wrong reasons? Maybe. Maybe not. Determined because you believe in commitment is a good quality to have, but if you're committed for the wrong reasons, then it's no good.
At any rate though, it happened the way it did. When I prayed so desperately for hearts to change, they didn't change in the way I expected. That's okay though, because when you pray for something you have to be prepared that the outcome might not be what you expect.
The raw pain always subsides, if that's one thing I've learned from navigating other relationships. Has this one been the worst? Yes and no. It's been different because of the length, promises, and expectations. But mistakes made in other relationships were thankfully avoided in this one. There is always something to be thankful for, and God is always good. Always!
I can look back and wish that I had been the one to cut the cord, and salvage some pride, but what is pride really? One of the best movies of all times is Meet the Robinson's, and the tagline of that movie is "Keep moving forward!" And that's what I'm going to do.
Friday, February 14, 2014
This is not a valentine's day post
It's really not, because technically it's February 15th now, and v-day is over with. I can't say I'm sad to see it go, although there were some lovely unexpected surprises. My darling best friend sent me flowers and a card with this text: "You don't need a man today, because you have many other people that love you."
And she's right.
I also received a "not-a-valentines-day card" from my dad. My parents usually get us all cards each year, and I told my parents that I wanted nothing to do with any of it this year. But because my dad is cute and stubborn, he wrote me the best note, ending with this: "God loves you more than any one else ever will. Put all your energy into discovering the breadth, length, and height of Christ's love for you. A love that surpasses all knowledge and understanding." And he's right.
I woke up this morning planning on avoiding this day at all costs. Throw myself into work and just forget that I used to have a reason to get excited for this stupid holiday, and that I was someone's girl.
I guess I forgot for a minute that I have always been God's girl, and one person's failure to love me doesn't change that at all.
This whole day makes it all the more real to me now, as I sit and ruminate over what true love really is, while eating my cheesecake and watching trashy television. What it means to sacrificially love others, and what does selflessness really look like.
The most important thing I can do right now is share what that looks like with others. That real love isn't selfish or indecisive or dishonest. There shouldn't be fear in love, but trust.
Real, true, 100% perfect love will never be found in a person. I have to stop looking for that with others and place unrealistic expectations on them. People aren't gods that have all these amazingly perfect qualities suddenly, just because they're into you. People have no idea what love even means, until they've been touched by real love and grace through Christ. Even then, some still don't get it right. Followers of Christ are just as flawed as everyone else. I know I am.
Friends, this is maybe is a more blunt post. I'm not sorry, though. This whole post is the reason why I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, and why I can even stand to be around my ex, because there is no point in being bitter. The point now, is to move on and focus all my energy on Christ, and sharing that with others.
Be blessed tonight, friends. My opinion is a famously unpopular one, but that's okay! God's love surpasses all, and I hope and pray that each of us hold on to that tightly during every season of our lives.
And she's right.
I also received a "not-a-valentines-day card" from my dad. My parents usually get us all cards each year, and I told my parents that I wanted nothing to do with any of it this year. But because my dad is cute and stubborn, he wrote me the best note, ending with this: "God loves you more than any one else ever will. Put all your energy into discovering the breadth, length, and height of Christ's love for you. A love that surpasses all knowledge and understanding." And he's right.
I woke up this morning planning on avoiding this day at all costs. Throw myself into work and just forget that I used to have a reason to get excited for this stupid holiday, and that I was someone's girl.
I guess I forgot for a minute that I have always been God's girl, and one person's failure to love me doesn't change that at all.
This whole day makes it all the more real to me now, as I sit and ruminate over what true love really is, while eating my cheesecake and watching trashy television. What it means to sacrificially love others, and what does selflessness really look like.
The most important thing I can do right now is share what that looks like with others. That real love isn't selfish or indecisive or dishonest. There shouldn't be fear in love, but trust.
Real, true, 100% perfect love will never be found in a person. I have to stop looking for that with others and place unrealistic expectations on them. People aren't gods that have all these amazingly perfect qualities suddenly, just because they're into you. People have no idea what love even means, until they've been touched by real love and grace through Christ. Even then, some still don't get it right. Followers of Christ are just as flawed as everyone else. I know I am.
Friends, this is maybe is a more blunt post. I'm not sorry, though. This whole post is the reason why I'm able to get out of bed in the morning, and why I can even stand to be around my ex, because there is no point in being bitter. The point now, is to move on and focus all my energy on Christ, and sharing that with others.
Be blessed tonight, friends. My opinion is a famously unpopular one, but that's okay! God's love surpasses all, and I hope and pray that each of us hold on to that tightly during every season of our lives.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
alone...
... yet not alone. If you have no idea what those words mean, then I encourage you to stop reading this right now, and go to the youtube and listen to the song "Alone Yet Not Alone," as sung by Joni Eareckson Tada.
This song.. it made me cry the first time I heard it.. and the second (but let's be honest. I cry over everything, so big surprise). It's like it is written for every sad person who has been hurt, and who has ever felt alone.
Then I started just thinking about amazing it is that I'm never alone, not really. I can be alone in my room watching He's just not that into you, and writing this post, but I'm so not alone.
I can be crying in my car after a day that was just too much, but I am so not alone.
I can be driving to Port Huron on a home visit (which fun fact, is like 5 miles from Canada) and feel isolated.. but I am so not alone.
I can be single, but I am not alone.
My (and our!) not alone-ness is only because of Jesus and how he has promised to never abandon us in all our crap. He cares about all our pain, our feelings of abandonment- and is patient with us while we muddle through all of this.
Psalm 46:1 says " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." He's not going anywhere, friends. We are alone, yet not (really) alone.
It's not easy to "muddle through," and it's certainly not easy to recover from trauma or heartbreak in any form. God never guaranteed it would be easy though, and in fact we are promised that it won't be easy at all! Especially being a follower of Christ, I know that my road will be gloriously difficult.
The question is, do I praise Him just as excitedly in the shadow, as I do the sunshine? Or do I give up because it's too hard? Get discouraged and bitter?
I don't think today is that day.
This song.. it made me cry the first time I heard it.. and the second (but let's be honest. I cry over everything, so big surprise). It's like it is written for every sad person who has been hurt, and who has ever felt alone.
Then I started just thinking about amazing it is that I'm never alone, not really. I can be alone in my room watching He's just not that into you, and writing this post, but I'm so not alone.
I can be crying in my car after a day that was just too much, but I am so not alone.
I can be driving to Port Huron on a home visit (which fun fact, is like 5 miles from Canada) and feel isolated.. but I am so not alone.
I can be single, but I am not alone.
My (and our!) not alone-ness is only because of Jesus and how he has promised to never abandon us in all our crap. He cares about all our pain, our feelings of abandonment- and is patient with us while we muddle through all of this.
Psalm 46:1 says " God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." He's not going anywhere, friends. We are alone, yet not (really) alone.
It's not easy to "muddle through," and it's certainly not easy to recover from trauma or heartbreak in any form. God never guaranteed it would be easy though, and in fact we are promised that it won't be easy at all! Especially being a follower of Christ, I know that my road will be gloriously difficult.
The question is, do I praise Him just as excitedly in the shadow, as I do the sunshine? Or do I give up because it's too hard? Get discouraged and bitter?
I don't think today is that day.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Lies.
In the book Captivating, by the Stasi and John Eldridge (question. Is Stasi even a real name? I was always confused by that) there is a part of the book that exposes the two greatest fears of the female mind. Lies we believe, if you will. There are: I am not enough, and I am too much.
I have read this book a couple of times. Once I even read through the "couples question guide," which was supposed to strengthen my relationship with God and my significant other, I guess? (spoiler alert: didn't quite work). Anyway, each time I've read this book, I've always lumped myself in with the "I am too much" camp because I have a lot going on with a lot of baggage and a scary past with emotional scarring. This is a lie I don't want to believe, but it's one that I am. Maybe if I had toned it down a little bit, been a little less crazy, a little less pressuring, things would be different, perhaps.
The other side of the coin is the "not enough." Maybe I wasn't enough, despite all the virtues that everyone close to me says I possess.
It's hard to know which lie to believe; which one to settle on. I feel frantic, like I should be able to just pick one, and once I can do that, the answer of why this whole relationship exploded will be crystal clear.
I know this is crazy, that we don't just get gifted answers of why things work out or why they don't. It's not maybe in God's plan to have me figure this all out? Maybe if I did, the journey of faith and trusting wouldn't be so sweet and real. I know that God wants my heart and my everything, but I want answers! I want to know the future, and have the delusional thought that if I know things won't hurt so much, or maybe I'll heal faster.
Waiting and trusting is so hard. I wasn't good at being patient while in a relationship and I'm no better at it now that I'm single.
We can't even be certain of tomorrow, so one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Get out of bed, and trust God to take care of everything. It hurts, but that's okay. We are not too much or too little, despite believing it when people throw us away.
I have read this book a couple of times. Once I even read through the "couples question guide," which was supposed to strengthen my relationship with God and my significant other, I guess? (spoiler alert: didn't quite work). Anyway, each time I've read this book, I've always lumped myself in with the "I am too much" camp because I have a lot going on with a lot of baggage and a scary past with emotional scarring. This is a lie I don't want to believe, but it's one that I am. Maybe if I had toned it down a little bit, been a little less crazy, a little less pressuring, things would be different, perhaps.
The other side of the coin is the "not enough." Maybe I wasn't enough, despite all the virtues that everyone close to me says I possess.
It's hard to know which lie to believe; which one to settle on. I feel frantic, like I should be able to just pick one, and once I can do that, the answer of why this whole relationship exploded will be crystal clear.
I know this is crazy, that we don't just get gifted answers of why things work out or why they don't. It's not maybe in God's plan to have me figure this all out? Maybe if I did, the journey of faith and trusting wouldn't be so sweet and real. I know that God wants my heart and my everything, but I want answers! I want to know the future, and have the delusional thought that if I know things won't hurt so much, or maybe I'll heal faster.
Waiting and trusting is so hard. I wasn't good at being patient while in a relationship and I'm no better at it now that I'm single.
We can't even be certain of tomorrow, so one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. Get out of bed, and trust God to take care of everything. It hurts, but that's okay. We are not too much or too little, despite believing it when people throw us away.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Today is Thursday.
Warning, sad ahead!
There are times like today, where I just can't take anymore and the frustration and heartache are overwhelming.
Work: The stress is a little crushing and I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. The unique and sad situation of each kid can be heartbreaking, and I'm wondering when it will become too much and I'll become another statistically burned out social worker. A lot of people don't even think I'm cut out for it anyway. Those comments are always hurtful.
God: Fighting for my daily time with the Lord is hard, and there are days where it seems easier to put it aside until there is time. I'm also so tired of crying and questioning why all of this is happening the way it has, and I feel annoying.
Friends: My friends are amazing..but I feel annoying because I keep crying and complaining over the same things. I'm sorry, friends. Please be patient with me.
Independence: Moving out has fallen through for the time being, and I am getting so frustrated with things not going as planned. The continual disappointment of my circumstances is so old and I'm just becoming jaded.
The break-up situation: Anger. Everything is unfair. How can one person be so damaging?
Handling this with dignity gets harder every day, and there have been an infinity number of times where I just want to drive my car into his house. Which is wrong, I know! I should be the bigger person, I should heap hot coals on his head by being kind. I shouldn't be angry because I can't do things like go to prayer night.
I shouldn't be angry because he's over it all.
I need to guard my heart and my mind from everything that is untrue, and just continue to pray through this. My vulnerability is the enemy's playground right now, and I don't want to be played with any more.
I'm just going to take this bad day, and hope that tomorrow is better.
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